


A Scandal in the Burrow

by GuestPlease



Series: Albus Severus Potter- Consulting Detective [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Actually I plan to diverge from Sherlock the most here at the end, Angst, F/M, I'm really sorry if you like Delphi, M/M, Shenanigans, Sherlock AU, the Scorbus/Sherlock continues, this is going to be angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-01-06 10:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12209550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuestPlease/pseuds/GuestPlease
Summary: Fresh off (well, two months later) the case with Jekyll and Hyde (or the Longbottom twins) Albus and Scorpius come face to face with a ghost from Scorpius' past. And unfortunately, Delphini Lestrange seems to be more of a poltergeist than anything else.Watch Scorpius and Albus' relationship slowly crumble until there's nothing left. Will it be repaired? Find out, only in this story.





	1. James has a problem

The woman’s laughter was interrupted by a seemingly normal, cheerful ringtone.   
Scorpius squinted at her. “Is that… the satellite phone’s ringtone from Jurassic Park III?”   
“No!” She hissed, in a manner that entirely suggested it was. She answered the phone. “Longbottom speaking. …I’m talking to Albus and Dr. Malfoy. …Well, I should get to kill Malfoy at least! …why? I’m _better_ than him! Don’t patronize me.” She hissed.   
Scorpius and Albus exchanged a worried glance.

There was a long pause. Then ‘Holly’ said, “You’d better be right about that. I’m not going to give up just because _you_ got yourself a girlfriend. I deserve to be happy too.” She cut the call without saying goodbye, and sighed loudly. “Well, Albus, it looks like I have to go. So sorry, hopefully I’ll see you again soon.”   
“Or you’ll stick to what you said before.” Albus deadpanned.

‘Holly’ looked slightly confused. “What I said…? …Yes. What I said before.”   
Scorpius and Albus traded a look.   
“Well, I must be going.” ‘Holly’ said lightly. She blew a kiss at Albus, then walked away.

Albus and Scorpius both waited for a minute, then collapsed against the wall.   
“So…” Scorpius began. “Do you think a third one’s going to pop in and destroy us for real?”   
“No. And don’t try to make light of this—you just had a PTSD flashback. I haven’t forgotten.” Albus said sternly.   
Scorpius sighed and leaned against him. “I’d prefer not to talk about this here and now. The good news is, I did actually get the food from Pryansh. We can go home and pretend that none of this happened.”   
Albus took Scorpius’ hands in his own. “Scorpius, Holly’s not going to let us be.”

“No, the other one’s not going to let us be. Holly wants us to leave her alone, she’s probably the one that called the other one and made her back off.”   
Albus shrugged. “We don’t know which one is actually legally Holly.”   
Scorpius shrugged as well. “Let’s guess—come on, let’s get home before Hyde comes back in. The food’s in the locker room…”

They retrieved it, and headed home. Things were quiet—well, as quiet as they could be for them. Two months passed, and they fell into a sort of routine along the way. Albus would solve cases, and Scorpius would make sure that Albus didn’t make anyone cry. Sometime later, Albus pointed out he’d had more success than usual after Scorpius had come into his life. The reason turned out to be that Pryansh, an avid reader of Scorpius’ blog, often linked to it.

“Disgustingly popular.” Albus sniffed.   
“It brings us clients, that’s really kind of your cousin.” Scorpius pointed out. “If you want to be some sort of underground counter-culture thing, then by all means, let’s be hipsters. We can drink fair trade coffee and wear fake scarves and discuss unknown German music.”   
Albus didn’t bother to hide his smile. “Well… I wouldn’t go that far. But you’re really fine with everyone reading your blog? It’s meant to be for therapy.”

“No, it’s really fine. I make the non-case posts private, and anything Diggory doesn’t like. …you should take a look, see if there’s anything you want me to change?” Scorpius said gently.   
“Is this just you trying to get me to read your writing?” Albus asked.   
Scorpius laughed. “More like, trying to avoid a row.”   
“Well, I accept, either way.”

“Finally—” Scorpius was cut off by a phone call from Diggory.   
30 minutes later, Albus popped the boot of a car to reveal a corpse.   
“What about it’s so special?” Scorpius asked.   
“Well, we looked him up. He was meant to be on that flight that exploded? The one in Germany?” Diggory replied.

“…lucky.” Albus commented. “Well, obviously not, he was dead before the flight, but still. It’s the principle of the thing. Why isn’t he in Germany?”   
“…because… his flight exploded en route?” Diggory said, looking at Scorpius.   
Scorpius grimaced. “We were channel surfing when we caught the news. Any theories, Albus? …also can we please close the boot? Our dead friend has a bit of a pong.”   
“I do have _some_ theories, but I’m really too busy to—ah-ah-ahhhh-ahchoo!” Albus interrupted himself with a sneeze. Unfortunately, it was the first of many.

In early November, Albus caught a cold and disrupted the routine. He could no longer go out on as many cases, and expressed his displeasure by refusing to wear clothes around the apartment. As a result, Mrs. Figg stopped coming in to clean, and Scorpius was forced to facetime Albus when called out on a case.

“Tell me why I’m out here again?” Scorpius sighed.   
“Because the only witness—only person around for miles—got stopped nearby because of car trouble. He saw a man watching the sky out there by the river, got out of the car, checked it. When it backfired, the man watching the sky was already dead.” Albus recited, before steepling his fingers. “It’s _fascinating_.”

“Mm… are you drinking enough fluids?” Scorpius asked.   
“Such a mother hen.” Albus clucked. He smiled though. “I made myself tea—before you ask, no, I didn’t use the water in the kettle, I remember what I put in it.”   
“It’s very disconcerting to go make yourself a cup of tea and pour blood out.” Scorpius grumbled. “I thought I was in a horror movie.”

“Yes, Mrs. Figg said your screams set off her cats.” Albus agreed. “I, personally, thought you were on fire.”   
Scorpius clicked his tongue in displeasure, but smiled anyway. Since he was holding his phone away from himself so that Albus could inspect the terrain and not his shirt, Albus couldn’t see the smile. He was relatively certain that Scorpius wasn’t angry with him—he would have said. Albus sipped his tea, then looked away from the phone as he heard someone knock on the front door.

“What was that?” Scorpius asked.   
“…solicitors?”   
“It’s never solicitors. Oh, just remembered. The coroner disproved your gunshot theory, the man had some form of blunt force trauma, that’s what killed him.”   
“Could he just have fainted and hit his head on a rock?” Albus asked.

Scorpius pointed the phone down. “There aren’t any that would kill him, and certainly none were found with blood on them.”   
“Suspicious.” Albus noted, before launching into a coughing fit.

“The driver?” Scorpius prompted after the coughing died down.   
“Oh, ignore him, he’s an idiot, he didn’t do it.”   
“He was the only other person around for miles. He must be lying.”   
“Not lying. Just unobservant.” Albus said weakly. “Have the police found anything in the area? Surely they’re not _that_ incompetent.”

Scorpius shrugged. “If they have, they haven’t cared to mention it.”   
Albus huffed, then reached for a box of tissues. “Useless, the lot of them. I’m going to look up—”   
He was cut off by louder, more insistent knocking. “Yes, yes, alright! I’m coming! God, people these days…!”   
“Albus, blanket!” Scorpius said quickly.   
Albus sighed. “The apartment feels like a dragon’s lair. I doubt the hallway’s relative chill will give me pneumonia.”

“I mostly meant that you shouldn’t show off to the entirety of Baker Street something that should remain in the bedroom.” Scorpius commented wryly.   
“Oh. Oh _right_. Yes, a blanket will do nicely.” Albus pulled one onto himself like a cape.   
“That still… oh, never mind.” Scorpius sighed as Albus cut the connection.

A policeman jogged up to him. “Doctor Malfoy?”   
“That’s me. Have you found something?”   
“No it’s—they sent a helicopter for you?” The policeman pointed to a helicopter at the edge of the road.   
Scorpius sighed again, though now he was somewhat less exasperated. “Well, _that_ _’_ _s_ ostentatious, isn’t it?”

 30 minutes later, he was led through the halls of Buckingham Palace.   
“So… any particular reason why I was brought here?” He asked.   
His escort did not answer.   
Scorpius tried again. “Lovely day, isn’t it? Nice and sunny?”

His escort suddenly flung open a door. Inside, Albus was sitting on the couch in his blanket. It looked as though whoever had picked him up had convinced him to put on boxers and Scorpius’ fuzzy slippers, but nothing else.

Albus sneezed violently, then waved miserably. The escort turned on his heel and left. Scorpius sat down next to Albus, taking his hand and squeezing gently.   
“No kiss?”   
“You are incredibly ill, and I could easily pass something onto my patients.”

Albus snorted. “Children are factories for disease. I’m _certain_ I got this from you anyway.”   
“No, you didn’t, because I observe proper hygiene when it comes to sick children. Nice try, though.”   
Albus opened his blanket wide. “Dr. Malfoy, I am _ashamed_ of you. Would I, an invalid, lie to you?”   
Scorpius eyed him, but smiled all the same. “You’re trying to distract me.”

“I’m trying to _seduce_ you. I miss your kisses.” Albus huffed.   
“Cheer up, we’re at Buckingham Palace.”   
“And I’m not wearing pants.”

Scorpius chuckled, which grew into a full blown laugh. Albus joined in.   
Scorpius smiled as it wound down. “And you’re not wearing pants, yes. I do hope you don’t make the queen faint with your impropriety.”   
Albus snorted. “She’s had multiple children. I’d be very surprised if she _hadn_ _’_ _t_ seen a semi-naked man before. Would Prince Philip just rip off all of his clothes for intercourse, and there’s no regular undressing?”

Scorpius laughed again. “I don’t know if I want that image in my head. Although if it were _you_ —”   
The other door banged open, and Orpheus strode in. “—has the _gall_ to tell me, in front of the Qu—what are you two doing here?”   
James followed him into the room. “Ah… yes… what a mystery…” He squinted at them and nodded as though he was gesturing for them to leave.

“And why are you naked?” Orpheus demanded before covering his eyes. “Is this a sex thing?”   
“I _am_ wearing boxers.” Albus pointed out.   
“And no, no, no. God no.” Scorpius said quickly. “We’re not _exhibitionists_.”   
Orpheus nodded. “And you’re not having sex until marriage.”

Albus and Scorpius made eye contact, and burst into laughter.   
“Really? You opened with ‘no sex until marriage’? No one in the room has a hymen.” James sighed.   
“What does that have to do with bringing shame to your family?” Orpheus asked pointedly.   
James shot him a long look. “But we—”   
“Sh sh sh! We are setting a good example for these two!” Orpheus was blushing quite hard now.

“They’re grown men! _We_ _’_ _re_ grown men!” James remarked exasperatedly.   
“Yes, and part of that adulthood means that I need to leave right now, immediately.” Orpheus rumbled, before nearly sprinting out of the room.   
“Well, that’s one of the worst conversations I’ve ever had in my life.” Scorpius noted. “Second only to the time our father sat us down and basically said the same thing about never having sex before marriage.”

“Oh… good… there’s a _reason_ …” James sighed.   
Albus rolled his eyes. “Why did you call us here? Orpheus certainly didn’t. Neither did the queen, I’m guessing?”   
“Right. There’s an urgent matter of national security—one that Orpheus shouldn’t know about.” James rifled through his tote bag before grabbing a tablet. He pulled open an incognito tab, and then passed it to Albus.

“This woman currently has some secrets that we _really_ need to get back. Including compromising pictures of a… young woman. Three guesses how she got them.” James said.   
“And my client is…?” Albus prompted.   
James pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know, I like to think I’m a fun guy. But whenever I’m around you, I have to be incredibly responsible—and part of that means resisting the urge to throttle you. _Figure it out_ , that’s what you do.”

Albus eyed him suspiciously. “Tell me, or I’ll tell Orpheus you sent his little brother after a sex worker.”   
James made a sound like a dying walrus. “You _wouldn_ _’_ _t_.”   
Albus passed the tablet to Scorpius, who made a choking sound.

“I would, James.” Albus said evenly.   
Scorpius made another choking sound, and both Potters looked sharply at him.   
“Are you dying?!” Albus demanded, grabbing Scorpius’ shoulders.

Scorpius held up the tablet. “I _know_ her. Orpheus needs to see this.” He chuckled to himself.   
“First of all, you _know_ why I can’t do that. Second of all, _really_? I expected Albus to giggle over a woman’s breasts like a child, but you have a _doctorate_. Come on, man.”   
“No, it’s schadenfreude.” Scorpius shrugged. “I don’t care what name she’s going by now, that’s Delphini Lestrange.”

“Why can’t Dad do it?” Albus asked.   
“You think I’m sending my _father_ into the den of a _dominatrix_?” James hissed. “How dare you.”   
“You’re sending your brother, asshole.”   
“You don’t even _like_ girls.”

“Are you sending me in there specifically because you think I’m gay? I’m bisexual, you twat.” Albus snapped.   
Scorpius chose this moment to interject. “Albus, Orpheus would never entrust this to spies. They watch people and tell their secrets for money. James is simply following the business practice. We’re the grey area.”   
“Why are _you_ so keen to go down to the dominatrix?” Albus asked suspiciously.

Scorpius grinned. “Because for once, _I_ _’_ _m_ not the family disappointment. She can torment me all she wants—do you really think the Malfoys would approve of her being a sex worker?”   
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that. …is that… your sister?” James asked.   
“God no, I said Orpheus should see it, not that you should burn it. If it was Aurora, I would have already shut the tab and broken the device over my knee.” Scorpius snorted. “No, that’s Delphi, she’s awful.”

“Just to clarify, you want to go down there—specifically as a petty form of revenge against this woman, whoever she may be?” James asked.   
Scorpius nodded.   
“Excellent, I wholeheartedly approve. She’s trying to make a power play, I think? Told us about the pictures, but doesn’t want money or leverage.”

“Yes, she does that a lot.” Scorpius shrugged. “I really shouldn’t be surprised she’s made a living out of tormenting people. That was her favorite thing to do when she was younger.”   
“Wow, there are _clearly_ a lot of issues here.” James sighed.   
Albus nodded. “Indeed. …can I have a lighter?”   
James and Scorpius both shot him a wary look.

“It’s not for me.” Albus said lightly. “Anyway, let’s go meet your cousin—you mentioned her once, right, Scorpius?”   
“I did, during the incident with Jekyll and Hyde. We can certainly go—after you get dressed.” Scorpius said, rising and helping Albus up. “Bye, James. Have a nice day.”   
James waved slightly, before they disappeared. James stood, and went to go after his own errant boyfriend.


	2. We Meet Delphi

“So… what’s the plan?” Scorpius asked. They were both fully clothed at this point, and for most of their walk to Delphi’s home, Scorpius had been glaring silently at the pavement.  
“Okay so—you punch me.”  
Scorpius blinked. “I’m… sorry?”  
“Punch me. In the face.” Albus pointed to his preferred area, which was around his nose. He could handle a broken nose, he’d prefer not to have an orbital shattered.

Scorpius stared at him. “That’s what I thought you said. I’m not going to punch you, Albus.”  
“Then how are we going to get in?” Albus huffed, coming up behind Scorpius.  
“…you did hear me say that it’s my cousin, right?”  
“No one lets their cousins into their sex dens, it makes things awkward.” Albus said dismissively. He had been paying attention to where Scorpius didn’t like to be touched over the past few months, and made sure to stay clear of them so as not to accidentally trigger a flashback. He leapt towards Scorpius, who turned at the last minute, sending them both tumbling headlong.

Scorpius ended up on top. “Don’t _do_ that, Albus.”  
“Did I trigger anything?” Albus asked anxiously.  
Scorpius scowled. “No, but you did almost get me to reflexively lash out.”  
“ _Yes_ , that was my intention.”  
Scorpius leaned in. “You don’t want to do that. I’m a soldier, Albus. I’ve killed people.”  
“You’re a doctor. You _wounded_ , based on what I saw with Greyback.” Albus said dismissively. “Maiming or seriously injuring is better—you get multiple combatants off of the field because they have to carry the injured back behind the lines.”

Scorpius shook his head slowly. “I’ve had bad days, Albus. But more to the point, and I’ve told you this before—out of a family that prided itself on shooting, I was the best. And this is a skill that I continued to use in the army.”  
“…what specific reaction are you trying to get out of me by straddling me, leaning close and doing that husky whisper?” Albus asked.  
Scorpius clicked his tongue and stood. “You’re incorrigible.”

Albus stood as well. “You _rudely_ didn’t even bother to punch me.”  
“And I’m not going to. Come on.”  
“How are we going to get in?” Albus demanded. “If I had been punched, I could have used that to pretend I had been mugged and ask for help.”  
Scorpius frowned. “You make the mistake of thinking that Delphi cares for others. She doesn’t.”

“Everyone cares about someone else.” Albus said. “Trust me.”  
Scorpius laced their hands together, and gave a wan smile. “Alright, but I still won’t punch you.”

Albus rolled his eyes. They reached Delphi’s lair, and Scorpius buzzed the intercom.  
“Do you have an appointment?” The woman asked.  
“No, because I am interested in neither incest nor heterosexuality. I came to visit my cousin.” Scorpius said.  
“I’m sorry?” The woman said.

Scorpius sighed. “Tell Delphini that Scorpius Malfoy is here to see her, so she’d better be clothed.”  
“There’s no one here by that name.”  
Scorpius rolled his eyes. “Just tell her.”  
The intercom went silent, then a few minutes later, the woman said, “You can come in.”

The door opened, and both men traipsed in.  
“I had a whole bit going.” Albus grumbled.  
Scorpius pulled away from him. “We will be able to do it another time.”  
Albus watched him. There was no fond smile, no squeeze of his hand. In fact, Scorpius’ face seemed hardened and he was watching their surroundings warily.

“In here.” A woman called.  
Albus moved past Scorpius and entered the room first.  
Near the window, a woman with long platinum blonde hair swept into a tousled updo, the colour similar to Scorpius’, with blue highlights sipped tea. She was wearing black stiletto heels, and nothing else.  
“Oh look, Scorpius. You’ve brought a friend.” She grinned. “Hello, Albus Potter.”

Scorpius pursed his lips, and took off his coat. He threw it at her, and she gently pushed it away as though it offended her.  
“For God’s sake—do you greet all your family members this way?” Scorpius snapped. “Nasty woman.”  
“I don’t have to answer to you.” She said haughtily. “If it bothers you, you can go sit with Kate in the kitchen. I don’t want to talk to you anyway—I only let you in because I knew he’d be with you.”  
“Listen you wicked—”  
“Scorpius.” Albus interrupted. “It’s really alright. Why don’t you go talk to Kate?”

Albus slipped the lighter from James into Scorpius’ pocket. Scorpius felt the extra weight and raised an eyebrow before turning on his heel and leaving.  
“Thank _God_ he’s gone. Dreadful bore.” Delphi clicked her tongue the exact same way that Scorpius had earlier. “So, I’ve heard so much about you.”  
“I hope I can live up to your expectations. I must confess… I… can’t read you.”

Delphi laughed. “Oh, I didn’t think you could, don’t feel bad. No stained clothes, no creases to give my secrets away. It’s more intimate like this, but personally, I prefer intimacy.”  
“In your line of work, that must be a blessing.” Albus said.  
Delphi grinned. “I suppose.”

“You seem like a smart woman, surely you know why I’m here?” Albus sat down on the couch, close to Delphi but still at a professional distance.  
“Could it be because Scorpius wants to get some modicum of revenge? He thinks he’s so much better than me, with his fancy little doctorate. He’s comforting himself right now with the fact that he thinks I’ve _fallen_. I’ve never fallen, Albus. I never will. I am exactly where I want to be.”  
“So is Scorpius.” Albus forced his voice to be even.  
She burst out laughing again, this one far more genuine. “Oh? Overworked as a pediatrician, unable to have his own family that he desperately craves? Unable to sleep at night from nightmares? He’s not talking to Orpheus, and he’s not talking to Aurora. He doesn’t have a pet—he has nothing, and no one. I almost feel bad for him.”

“He has me.” Albus snapped, unable to keep it back.  
Delphi’s gaze roamed him, and she smiled. “Of course. I’m glad he’s found someone. I’m not the monster he probably told you I was.”  
“He didn’t tell me much.”  
“Oh? No, no I don’t suppose he did. Albus, I tire of talking about my baby cousin. Tell me something else.”

“Like… what?”  
Delphi shrugged. “Anything really.”  
“Right, then the real reason I’m here is for the photographs.”  
“Oh, _dull_ , you know that will never happen. Tell me about the hiker.”  
“The hiker?” Albus blinked rapidly.

Delphi nodded. “With the bashed in head and one witness.”  
Albus frowned. “How did you find out about that so quickly?”  
Delphi smiled. “The same way I know about you, and the same way I keep tabs on my baby cousin.”

“Why do you want to know?” Albus asked.  
Delphi moved closer, leaning against him and placing a hand on his thigh. “Brainy is the new sexy, Albus. So, be a dear and tell me.”  
“All you really need to know is the position of the car.” Albus said quickly. He didn’t move her hand, though he felt his face become warm. “And that the blow was to the back of the head.”

Delphi looked satisfied, and her hand moved up. “And how was he murdered?”  
“It wasn’t murder.”  
“How do you know?”  
“The same way that I know that the photographs are in this room.”  
“Alright, but you need to explain—”

“Aha, they are in here!” Albus leapt up, pointing at her.  
“Yes.” Delphi sighed. “But you didn’t _know_ that so I can’t see what—”  
Albus began to pace. “There are just the two of them out there. Driver’s got his hands full with the engine. The hiker is looking at the sky. What’s he watching for?”

“…you’re not going to look for the photographs?”  
“You’re relatively clever, it’d take a while.” Albus shrugged. “Might as well grant this request before I find them. So, what’s the hiker watching for?”  
“Birds?”  
“It’s too late in the year for birds. Well, any moment now, something is about to happen. What? And no—not the hiker’s death.”

“The car will backfire?” Delphi pouted prettily.  
“ _Yes_ —and that will startle the hiker! Noises—” At that moment, the smoke alarm went off. Delphi immediately looked towards the mirror, and stood.  
“Albus, I believe we need to vacate the premises.” She said.  
“No, that’s just Scorpius.” Albus said dismissively.

“Scorpius lit my house on fire?!” Delphi nearly screamed.  
“He lit a _magazine_ , don’t be obtuse. Smoke alarms reveal priorities, a mother would have looked towards her child. I now know where the phone is, thank you _so much_.” Albus snapped, removing the mirror. Behind it was a safe.  
He pulled on a pair of latex gloves that Scorpius had convinced him to put in his pocket, then examined the key sequence.

“I’ll crack this, don’t worry. You _really_ should have worn gloves.” Albus wiggled his fingers.  
Delphi laughed. “I would tell you, but you know what? I already have.”  
At that moment, chaos erupted. More specifically, several heavily armed CIA operatives dragged Scorpius and Kate into the room.

“Wonderful. I will die _here_ , in Delphini’s Den of Sin.” Scorpius rolled his eyes. “Just how I always imagined going out.”  
“On your knees!” A CIA operative ordered. “You too, Ms. Lestrange!”  
Scorpius, Kate, and Delphi all knelt, and the CIA men held guns a few centimetres away from their heads.

Albus made eye contact with Scorpius, who gave a weak smile. He was okay. This wasn’t setting off a flashback.  
“And me?” Albus asked, remembering that night by the pool when Scorpius had been so still.  
“She said she told you the code, Mr. Potter.” The apparent leader said gruffly.

“If you’ve been listening in, you know she didn’t.” Albus snapped.  
“We might’ve missed something.” The leader shrugged. “You have three minutes, or we shoot your friend.”  
Scorpius and Albus both tensed.  
“Why not get her to do it? She knows the code!” Albus hissed.

“She also knows the one that calls the police.”  
“Oh my _God_ , you’ve got CIA written all over everything you’re carrying! Clearly, this goes _above_ Scotland Yard! What’s she going to do, get you arrested?” Albus flailed his arms.  
“Yes.” One of the CIA men muttered.

The leader scowled. “Enough! Type in the code, or we shoot Ms. Lestrange’s cousin.”  
“Are you trying to get Delphi to tell you herself? If so, better be, ‘and’ instead of ‘or’. It’d really make her day.” Scorpius sighed.  
“He’s _innocent_! He-he-he was in Afghanistan fighting alongside _you_!” Albus hissed. Why wasn’t Scorpius taking this more seriously?!

“Aw, look how flustered he’s getting. So cute.” Delphi snickered. “But not much use when you’ve already made your peace with life, right Scorpius?”  
Scorpius sighed. “Listen, I know you lot don’t care about me, but she _does_ have a point. I do have one last request though. If you kill me, could you please shoot her next? Leave Albus and the girl alive, then just blow the house up. Boom, problem solved.”

“…we were told to gather the information with a minimum loss of life.” The man holding a gun to Scorpius’ head said apologetically.  
Scorpius sighed deeply. “And I just drew the short end of the stick? Wonderful. I survive Longbottom, the Tong syndicate, and Afghanistan but _this_ is what does me in.”  
“And what makes you think that _she_ didn’t tell me the code to call the police?” Albus hissed. “That’s what she would have done if she was smart, which she _is_. Especially compared to other members of the family that I’ve met.”

Scorpius raised an eyebrow, while Delphi beamed. “Thank you, Albus.”  
“Oh they’re already on first name basis. Delightful.” Scorpius rolled his eyes.  
“If we’re not going to die, could we please sit normally? This is quite hard on my knees.” Delphi continued.  
“Minimum is not a set number.” The leader growled. “Cock your guns.”  
As one, the CIA men holding guns to Kate, Delphi and Scorpius’ heads cocked them.

“You have one minute, Mr. Potter.”  
“Wait!” Albus said. “I need more time! I-I-I can’t…!”  
“Then we’ll be nice and quiet for you. You have one minute. Duchovny, set a timer.”

Duchovny, one of the men not holding a gun to someone’s head, saluted the leader and pulled out his phone. Albus turned back to the safe. He closed his eyes, and pushed all thoughts of Scorpius away. He opened them again, and looked back at Delphi. She leaned forward, emphasizing her chest. Alright then.

Albus typed in 3, 2, 2, 4, 3, 4.  
The safe beeped once, then unlocked.  
The CIA uncocked their guns, but did not holster them.  
“Mr. Potter, please open the door.” The leader said.  
Albus looked at Scorpius who smiled. Then he looked at Delphi, who lowered her gaze to the floor pointedly. Now, that was odd—oh.

“You think she put a trap in there? She’d have to dodge it and reload every time she wanted to get to her phone.” Albus scoffed.  
“Open it.” The leader said.  
Albus sighed, and put his hand on the door of the safe. “Oh, and Scorpius?”  
“Yes?”

“Vatican cameos.” Albus said.  
Scorpius threw himself to the ground, as did several of the CIA operatives as Albus threw the door to the safe open, springing a trap. The arrow buried itself in the wall, just past the leader’s shoulder. Instantly, Scorpius and Delphi were up on their feet—Delphi had hit her guard in the groin and Scorpius had rolled to his side and gotten to his feet, kicking his in the face (his had flopped to the ground). Kate tripped several CIA men and ran out of the room, leading those she had attacked to get up and give chase.

Albus tackled the leader, wrestling the gun out of his grip and using it to knock him unconscious. In the hallway, there were several yelps as Kate overtook her attackers, and then there was a gunshot from outside.

Delphi, clearly no longer pleased with remaining nude, took a jacket off of a huge operative she’d knocked unconscious with one of his shoes. Albus didn’t stare too hard at the bloody hole in his head.  
“What’ll you do now?” Scorpius asked her.  
“Have my phone back.” She looked pointedly at Albus.

“I don’t have it.” He blatantly lied.  
Delphi rolled her eyes. “Don’t make me hurt you.”  
“Don’t threaten him.” Scorpius snapped.  
“Then have him give me back my lifeline! There is _very_ sensitive information on there!” Delphi hissed.

Scorpius rolled his eyes. “One would assume, given the CIA clustered around us _in uniform_.”  
“Probably what James wanted us to get.” Albus noted.  
Scorpius crossed his arms. “Maybe. Maybe not. James mentioned compromising pictures, he has no reason to lie to us.”  
Delphi crossed her arms. “I _have_ copies.”

“No you don’t.” Albus said dismissively. “You would never take the risk. You called it your _lifeline_.”  
“What, you want me _dead_?” Delphi asked softly, eyes going large.  
Albus fidgeted. Months ago, before meeting Scorpius, he would have answered, ‘yes’ callously and been on his way. Now, who was he if he wasn’t willing to help one of Scorpius’ family members? Delphini truly did look like him with that puppy dog expression.

“Stop being dramatic.” Scorpius hissed, snapping Albus out of his reverie. “You’re never truly alone, you _know_ you have Orpheus and he will help you no matter what. He’ll protect you, he’ll send you home to Granny and you’ll go back to how things were.”  
Delphi’s face became contorted by rage and—terror?  
“I am _never_ going back there.”

“Then just go to Orpheus, he’ll set you up with a nice life and protection.” Scorpius said haughtily.  
Delphi stared at him for a minute, then cackled wildly. “Oh, this is just…you look exactly like Uncle Lucius, you know that? ‘No, Narcissa, Bellatrix’s child isn’t _our_ problem. Send her to your mother. Send her to Draco. Send her to _Orpheus_!’”

“No one has ever _sent_ you to Orpheus, you’re not a package. And I’m not Grandfather.”  
“Yes you are.” Delphini smiled wickedly. “You’re not any better than me, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. You’re a dirty, little murderer, yes you are. The difference between us is that you won’t acknowledge it. That’s it, that’s all the difference. I always hated you for never realizing that we’re the same.”

Albus chose this moment to interject himself into the conversation. “Alright, alright, why don’t you take a breather, Scorpius? Clear your head?”  
“But she—” Scorpius cut himself off, his face hardening again. “Alright. Fine.” He collected his coat from the sofa and left.

Delphi smiled. “You’re my knight in shining armor, then?”  
“I’m not a knight.” Albus said as she wandered over to the liquor cabinet and poured two drinks.  
“Oh, yes you are. Or you should be. …don’t be too hard on Scorpius, he is a good boy.”  
“He’s not a dog, and you just called him a filthy murderer.” Albus took one drink from her.

She waved her hand dismissively. “He knows my views on the military. And no family’s perfect.”  
“It didn’t sound like a military issue.” Albus said dubiously, sipping his drink. It was slightly sweet, but not unpleasantly so.  
“Ah, well, perhaps some things from our childhood have carried over.” Delphi shrugged.  
Albus sipped his drink again. “Perhaps. It seems a bit more… vitriolic… than that.”  
“Well, we haven’t had time to mellow out. Maybe I’ll pop round to see my baby cousin soon.”

Albus tossed back the rest of his drink in an attempt to avoid conversation. Almost immediately, his head began to swim and his vision began to blur. He fell backwards onto the unconscious operatives.  
The last thing he saw was Delphi moving nimbly towards him. “Shh, none of that. I just need my phone.”  
He felt a weight disappear from his pocket, and lips pressed to his. And then nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use the transcripts by 'Ariane de Vere' on LiveJournal. 
> 
> Hey. Hey. Do you want me to update? Then please please comment, just so I know someone is reading this.


	3. This Isn't Just Pointless Drama okay

Albus woke up to a ringing in his ears, a dry mouth, and his own bedroom. He opened his eyes, and the ceiling slowly turned above him. A woman gasped, and he shot his phone (charging on his bedside table) a long look. What exactly had Scorpius…? He scrolled through the messages, soon realizing that they were from someone in his contacts named ‘Delphi <3’. Oh no.

‘So, you DID look at them! You knew my measurements, I’m impressed, haha!’ 12:34pm  
‘Were you? ;)’ 12:35pm  
‘Don’t be upset, I WANTED you to look.’ 12:36pm  
‘Baby cousin might be mad though. (He always is)’ 12:37pm  
‘Anyway, I’ve solved your little case.’ 1:16pm  
‘The hiker looked back at the car, didn’t he? And that’s when it hit him.’ 1:17pm  
‘The BOOMERANG.’ 1:17pm  
‘Police have probably found it by now.’ 1:18pm  
‘Actually, you should be up by now. Are you awake? Did you miss me? ;) I missed you.’ 1:20pm  
‘Baby cousin is probably going mad from the text alert, hahahahaha’ 1:22pm

This last one arrived as Albus was scrolling through Delphi’s many texts.  
The door opened, and Scorpius arrived with a tea tray, his laptop tucked underneath.  
“Oh, you’re up.” He kissed Albus’ forehead. “The tranquilizer she used on you _can_ _’_ _t_ be good for your cold. But if it got you to sleep… well, even Delphi can be useful sometimes.”  
Albus blinked up at him. Brown eyes, impossibly light hair and pale skin, his out of focus vision had the figure hover between Scorpius and Delphi.

A hand rested on Albus’ forehead. Mm. Scorpius was always warm, was Delphi?  
“Why didn’t you want me?” Albus muttered. “Am I not good enough for your family?”  
“Ah you’re still drugged.” Scorpius sighed. “I did, I will always want you. But Delphini is evil, and she would have tried to destroy our relationship if she had even a hint that I cared for you the way I do.”  
Albus curled against him. “She can’t. ‘S too strong.”  
“And I suppose she didn’t say _anything_ about me while I was gone?”

“Said you overreact, basic’ly. Not wrong. Said you think you’re better than her. Also not wrong. And she looks like you.”  
“…that last part may be a bit dangerous. She’s my cousin. Well, first cousin once removed. But we’re _different_ , no matter what she says.”  
“Mm… need more data.” Albus felt his eyes drift closed. “How’d I get her number, anyway…?”

“I don’t know. She’s disappeared. Orpheus is distraught, and there’s talk of Grandmother and Granny—my great-grandmother— coming down from Wiltshire. Hey, hey, don’t go back to sleep. Sit up and drink some tea, you’re dehydrated.”  
Grumbling, Albus complied. “The pictures’re safe…”

“What, in Delphini’s hands? You really must be out of it.” Scorpius fluffed Albus’ pillow. “Lie back.”  
Albus complied. “She wants pr’tection… she doesn’t want to blackmail anyone…”  
Scorpius snorted. “Well, I’d call the monarchy _someone_ , but agree to disagree.”  
“No no no… she’s not… you know damn well what she’s doing.” Albus narrowed his eyes in distaste at Scorpius.  
Scorpius nodded. “I do. I also know she’s lying when she says she needs protection. She’s as good as a Malfoy, Albus. Do you think Orpheus would let her come to harm?”

“Orpheus is very easy to get around. And she had a gun pressed up against her head earlier.” Albus said stubbornly. “So did you—and had Orpheus had any input, you would be safely locked away in a padded room where you can’t possibly hurt yourself.”  
“…she wasn’t in any danger. If nothing else, believe that. The CIA isn’t fond of shooting people they could otherwise incarcerate.”  
“You’ve been watching t’much TV.” Albus slurred. “They were there for a reason, and i’ wasn’t to enjoy her… services.”

“One would hope.” Scorpius said dryly. “Whatever the case, she’s disappeared. Probably went running straight to Orpheus or Granny—I’d like to see the CIA take _her_ on.”  
“Oh?” Albus asked.  
Scorpius sat next to Albus on the bed. “Granny… you are aware that during the height of his power, Riddle occupied my grandparents’ home? Granny dropped by for a visit and terrified his minions into doing her bidding. She tried to start a fight with Riddle, Albus. Granny’s 96 and still standing—Riddle isn’t.”

“That’s because of _Dad_.” Albus spat.  
“Still, Granny’s not dead.” Scorpius shrugged. “I think she’d bully the CIA into apologizing to Delphi, while she sat there like the cat who got the cream. Speaking of your family, Mrs. Figg is furious with James for sending us into that. She’s threatened to withhold all forms of pudding she would have otherwise made for him.”

Albus blinked at him. “Why?”  
“You’re her favorite, Albus.”  
Albus pondered this. “I’m her favorite…?”  
“You are.” Scorpius smiled gently. “And my—”

He was cut off by Albus pointing his index finger in his face. “Yes.” Albus said simply, before passing out again.  
Scorpius quietly kissed his forehead, gathered the tea, and turned out the light.

The next morning, Albus was up by the time Scorpius was, a conspiracy board of sorts set up in the lounge area.  
“Oh dear God…” Scorpius muttered in horror.  
Albus barely spared him a glance. “Did you touch my phone?”

“I changed Delphi’s text alert for you. Nothing else. Besides, you run your hands over my possessions without permission all the time. My laptop is open, next to you, _right now_.” Scorpius pointed.  
Albus glanced at it. “Mine was in the bedroom. I needed it to print her tweets.”  
“Why?”  
“Easier than putting surveillance on her. She was easy to find, her username was @LetMeBeGoodToYou.”

“ _Oh, you touch my tra la la_.” A man’s voice ground out from Albus’ phone.  
“I thought it was funny.” Scorpius shrugged. “Better than that nonsense she pulled that sounded like a porn video. The rest of the song is set as your ringtone for her.”  
“Hilarious.” Albus deadpanned, glancing at his phone. “She wants dinner. …more to the point, didn’t you once say you’re not technologically advanced?”

“Rose showed me how to do it. She said she doesn’t want to hear that coming from your pocket, and you don’t silence your phone.”  
Albus looked mildly irritated. “Did you do it for anyone else?”  
“Uh… Cat Stevens’ ‘Father and Son’ for Diggory, S.J. Tucker’s ‘Ask Me Anything’ for me… I know it’s not romantic, but still, it’s fun… those are the main two, I think?”

Albus glared at his phone before turning back to his conspiracy board.  
“What?” Scorpius asked.  
“Nothing. Just, please don’t touch my things.” Albus said coolly.  
Scorpius scowled. “Excuse…? Albus, you do this to me literally all the time.”  
“I don’t change your preferences.”

“You’ve changed my password several times!”  
“It was very easy to guess.”  
Scorpius closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I need my tea.”  
“I’d like some too.” Albus said without looking at him.

As Scorpius handed Albus his mug, he asked, “So what was the CIA after her for, specifically?”  
“Scorpius, I’ve been mostly unconscious. I only have a guess at best right now.” Albus chided, though he smiled slightly.  
Scorpius didn’t, and sadly Albus didn’t notice. What he did notice was his phone suddenly blaring a line from ‘Goldfinger’. Scorpius cringed. “…and Orpheus. I changed Orpheus’ as well.”  
“James Bond, really?” Albus tutted. “He wants us to drop this Delphi business, he’s pretty sure he knows where she is and we just bring trouble. …ooh, trouble in paradise then?”

Scorpius sighed deeply. “Don’t start with him. Please?”  
“…It appears I already have.” Albus shrugged dismissively.  
Scorpius closed his eyes in annoyance. “This is just too much this early.”  
Albus watched him retreat to the bedroom, slightly puzzled, before turning back to his conspiracy wall. He’d show Orpheus and James—and Scorpius _loved_ his cleverness, right?

Delphini seemed to, just like Scorpius had at the beginning.

Gradually, it turned to Christmas, and everything calmed down. Scorpius insisted on covering the flat in lights and wreaths and other Christmas nonsense (a plan Mrs. Figg found no problem whatsoever with).  
“Does this look ridiculous to you?” Albus asked, stepping back from the tree.  
Scorpius poked his head around from the other side. “No? Why?”

“You’re hanging handmade, antique decorations on a plastic tree.” Albus said dryly.  
Scorpius glanced at the tree, then at him. “And?”  
“It’s a bit ironic.” Albus shrugged.  
“…if you want to pretend it’s a real tree, I can spray some pine-scented air freshener on it?” Scorpius suggested.

Albus cracked a small smile. Scorpius leaned in and gently kissed him on the lips, before hanging up the final decorations. Albus went to go check on whatever concoction Scorpius had gotten instead of tea. Albus poked this ‘mulled wine’ experimentally. Hmm. It did taste like actual mulled wine, so it _probably_ didn’t come from a tin. Still, best to be wary.

Albus slinked back into the living room as guests began arriving. Mrs. Figg brought up a tray of biscuits, sitting in an armchair before anyone could move her.  
Diggory and his wife, glowing with happiness. Albus had always considered them Christmas people, this was to be expected.  
Rose and her… girlfriend. Albus made sure to glare at Holly as she passed, and she sent him a winning smile. Hag.  
Pryansh brought actual food (thank you Pryansh) and Cass.  
Penelope Nott appeared last with her baby. Telemachus was saying full words now, Albus was fairly sure it was because of _his_ influence.

“Oh, how delightful!” Cho cooed at Telemachus. “Is he adopted?”  
“No, he’s my natural-born son.” Penelope said stiffly. Then again, her default was stiffness.  
“We just heard back from our adoption agency.” Cedric butted in. “We’ve been put through!”

Everyone congratulated them for such excellent news.  
“Why aren’t you at whatever enormous party your mother’s putting together with your new girlfriend?” Albus asked, as he tucked his violin under his chin in preparation for a song. Really, he was asking why _Holly_ was there.  
“Because I hate those parties, and my parents have already met Holly.” Rose said stiffly.  
“Could you please play ‘The Holly and the Ivy’?” Holly asked. “It’s just… I was named for that carol, being born near Christmas and the daughter of a botany professor…”

Albus eyed her suspiciously. On the one hand, she was more or less confirming who she was, and her sister’s name. And it would look a bit odd if he didn’t acquiesce. On the one hand, it was Longbottom, and he didn’t want to do that.

Scorpius led in with the piano, and Albus eventually joined him. It was easier to pretend that Scorpius had asked instead of _Longbottom_.  
“You’re dressed up though.” Pryansh commented to his sister, offering her a mince pie.  
“Where are you headed?” Cass added after being nudged by Pryansh.

“The opera.” Rose deadpanned.  
Holly laughed. “We’re going to a fundraiser at the hospital. I’m surprised Scorpius hasn’t told you about it.”  
Albus looked towards Scorpius. _This_ was going to be good.  
Scorpius grimaced. “We’re more homebodies, to tell the truth? And we already set up this party, it’d be a shame to just… yeah.”  
While this was true, Albus would have preferred that he at least be _told_. …Did Scorpius not feel that he could take him anywhere?

Penelope swooped in, having handed her baby to Mrs. Figg. “Scorpius, Potter, can I request, ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’?”  
Oh, so _she_ knew about this. Albus narrowed his eyes. Was Scorpius colluding with _Nott_ behind his back?  
Scorpius started up again and Albus joined in. At the end of the song, Albus asked, “So, when were you going to tell me about the fancy fundraiser at the hospital?”

Rose and Holly exchanged a tense look.  
“Albus, you wouldn’t have wanted to go.” Scorpius sighed, trying to lead into ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ on the piano.  
“You didn’t even bring it up with me.” Albus hissed. “But you went running straight to Nott.”  
“I didn’t _run_ , Penelope just reads the newspapers.” Scorpius shot back. “Can we _please_ not do this right now?”

“Why? So you can cover up more things?” Albus hissed.  
Scorpius rolled his eyes. “So we won’t do this in front of our friends. And for the world’s greatest detective, I would have thought that you put our mutual place of work on a Google Alert in case anything insidious happens. You act like it’s a crime when anyone ‘intentionally withholds information’ from you, but you gloat over knowing everything. Forgive me if I take you at your word from time to time.”

“You covered it up though, don’t forget that.” Albus hissed.  
Scorpius rolled his eyes. “Fine, like a blanket. Happy now?”  
The apartment went quiet.  
“ _Oh, you touch my tra la la_.”

Albus reached for his phone. ‘Mantelpiece’ was all it said. He opened a small box on top of the fireplace to reveal a phone.  
“This is… Delphini’s phone… her lifeline…” Albus said.  
“…how did she text you if her phone is here?” Scorpius asked. “Did she leave that?”  
“ _She_ _’_ _s_ been here?” Penelope snatched her baby up off of the floor where Cass had deposited him. “Have you disinfected yet?”  
“No.” Scorpius sighed.

“Who is Delphini, and why is your buddy acting like she’s the devil?” Pryansh gestured to Nott.  
“The Devil.” Scorpius replied simply. “Penny’s not really wrong there.”  
Scorpius’ phone began to ring.  
“Hello? …I see. Are you driving down? …I see. I’ll take Penny, she’s still in the city. She knows Delphi better than Albus. …funny. Very funny. For the record, I don’t think it’s her. …merry Christmas to you too.”

Scorpius hung up his phone. “A body’s been found that looks suspiciously like Delphini. The timing on this is impeccable… Penny, I promised Orpheus I’d take you to help identify the body. Would you mind…?”  
“No, of course not.” Penelope said. “Get your coat, Potter. Let’s not waste time quarrelling. Scorpius, where’s the body?”

“St. Bart’s.” Scorpius sighed.  
Rose snorted. “Dawlish is on duty. He’s probably mangled it. We need to head over anyway, do you want me to…?”  
“Thank you.” Albus interjected. Then he shot Scorpius a look. “I suppose we’re going to the fundraiser after all.”

Scorpius sighed.  
Roughly thirty minutes later, Holly sat quietly as Rose pulled back the sheet. The face was somewhat mangled, as Rose predicted.  
“What about the rest of her?” Albus asked.  
Rose raised an eyebrow, but pulled back the sheet.

“That’s her.” Albus said softly.  
Scorpius, who had gloves on, pulled the sheet back up.  
“I’m still not convinced.” Scorpius said. “Can you do a DNA test?”  
“Between you and her? Might not come back the way you want.” Rose chewed the inside of her cheek.

“What about my great-grandmother? I know we have some of her DNA on file from an incident several years back when she needed a blood test—it was frozen for future comparisons.” Scorpius suggested. “There’s a direct mitochondrial line to Delphini.”  
“And it doesn’t rely on her chest size.” Penelope said dryly, glancing at Albus.  
“I’m telling you, I know what I’ve seen.” Albus hissed.

“Thank God Delphini Lestrange is the only woman in all of England with the cup size 34C.” Penelope snarked.  
“Okay, let’s calm down.” Scorpius said, stepping between them. “Penny, you know Delphini. Do you think it’s her?”  
“The nose looks different.”

“It’s been torn apart by a weed-whacker.” Rose pointed out.  
Scorpius pressed it back in place slightly. “I know, but… still. I don’t think it’s her.”  
“She gave her phone, her _lifeline_ to me. Orpheus obviously doesn’t know where she is.” Albus hissed. “Why won’t you _listen_ to me?!”  
“Because the timing is too coincidental, and we don’t have any proof besides the fact that you say her measurements match up.” Scorpius shrugged.

“That should be proof enough!”  
“Why not just let us prove you right? Why not just let us take the extra mile?” Scorpius demanded. “Are you so scared of being wrong that you won’t even consider it?”  
Albus flinched as if struck. “I don’t have to hear this. You know, I thought you were different?” He gave a bitter laugh.

Scorpius sighed and watched him go, and Holly, forgotten in the corner, made note of all of this. It appeared that Delphini Lestrange was a sore point for both men, and that neither had really been communicating their problems well. …oh, Ivy was going to love this.

A few hours later, Scorpius came back to 221B with apologies, which Albus accepted, and returned in a fashion.

Rose and Holly spent the night dancing at the fundraiser, all thoughts of Albus and Scorpius put from their heads.

Penelope put Telemachus to bed, singing him Christmas carols to get him to sleep. Her finger briefly hovered over the call button for a contact labeled ‘Cesare Zabini’ who had left her multiple calls, but she ultimately decided against it, again.

Cedric and Cho returned to their flat, happy and slightly worried, hoping Albus wouldn’t crack again.

Pryansh helped Cass pack up—her grandfathers were back, she might as well go crash with them for a while. She’d still be around, of course, but still—Sirius Black and Remus Lupin could probably take better care of her. Probably.

Mrs. Figg toddled back to 221A fairly drunk and more than a little happy. She loved Christmas—she just wished people wouldn’t fight around the holidays.

And the world kept turning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please us, they do, precious. They please Smeagol _very_ much...


	4. Shit Goes Down

Albus was playing a funeral dirge when Scorpius woke up.   
“Did you compose that?” Scorpius asked, placing a saucer with Belvita breakfast cookies on it near Albus.   
“Yes. Helps me think.” Albus said shortly, finally looking away from the window. “I was reading your blog. The hits counter is still stuck at 1895. Is there any significance to that?”

“No, should there be?” Scorpius asked, grabbing a Belvita cookie.   
Albus grabbed another, and chewed it thoughtfully. “Could be a message—could be the key to unlocking Delphini’s phone.”   
“Try it, but I don’t know what significance that number has for her.” Scorpius said doubtfully.

Albus tried ‘001895’ anyway. The phone didn’t let him in.   
“Three tries left.” Albus sighed. “And six blanks, just like last time…”   
“Three? I thought you had sixteen when we went to sleep.”

“I had some ideas.” Albus muttered. “She was crafty, that one.”   
Scorpius shrugged. “Albus, I am willing to call my family to put this to rest. Either way, the DNA test is due back tomorrow.”   
“I understand that you don’t want to  accept your cousin’s death…” Albus said.

Scorpius pointedly did not look at him.   
“…but what will you do if it _is_ her?” Albus asked.   
Scorpius glanced at his watch. “I need to be getting to work, do you want to come with me, or are you still codebreaking?”   
“You knew her, what would the password be?” Albus handed him the phone.

“…I’d say ‘Bellatrix’, ‘Rodolphus’, or ‘Lestrange’, but none of those fit. I told you before about her obsession with Riddle, but it appears she’s grown out of it.” Scorpius handed it back, before pulling on his coat. He waved to Albus before leaving the room. A few minutes later, Albus heard the front door shut. He crossed to the window (no, he did not _run_ … okay maybe just a bit…) and watched as Scorpius began conversing with a vagabond. A big black car rolled up behind him. Suddenly, the vagabond lurched for him, sending him flying backwards into the car.

…well, something would have to be done about this. Albus followed the car as best he could to an abandoned factory. Lovely.

Scorpius, meanwhile, exited the car of his own volition at the factory. It’d just cause more trouble and pain, and perhaps he could talk them out of trying to destroy Albus or whatever. It didn’t seem like the work of a Longbottom twin, after all. He got to the second floor before he found someone.

“I knew you weren’t dead.” He sniffed.   
Delphini turned to face him, and hung up her phone call. “Yes, and thank you _so much_ for ruining my faked death.”   
“Didn’t fake it well enough in my opinion. Penelope Nott could tell it wasn’t you. The only one who you fooled was Albus.” Scorpius hissed.

“And I intended for him to identify me. _You_ were supposed to be in Wiltshire, Nott wasn’t meant to be involved.”   
“Well, _sorry_ I ruined your plans. Just go running back to Granny already.” Scorpius said dismissively. “What worried you into coming back, anyway—the DNA test?”   
“DNA tests are only as good as the records you keep.” Delphi crossed her arms. “And I am _not_ going back to Granny.”

Scorpius ground his teeth. “So, you’re back now? Planning on telling Albus?”   
“Would you prefer I stay dead?” Delphi clicked her tongue. “Where is your sense of family loyalty…? Ah, I forget. You never had one.”   
“Are you trying to ask for my help? You’re failing.” Scorpius huffed.

“All I want is my phone back. Then I’ll be gone.”   
“You expect me to just _steal_ from Albus? Are you sure I’m the one who doesn’t have a sense of loyalty?” Scorpius snorted. “Tell him you’re alive, he’ll give it back.”

“Oh? And why would he care?” Delphini purred.   
Scorpius narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t.”   
“Mmm… I think I know what he likes.”   
“ _Don_ _’_ _t_.” Scorpius hissed. “Just don’t.”

He started to walk away, and Delphi called after him, “What should I say?”   
“What do you _normally_ say?” Scorpius asked in exasperation. “Say that.”   
Delphi pouted. “It’s not like he replies.”   
“That’s good.” Scorpius hissed. “Shove off. Go back to pretending you’re dead and gone.”

“Mmm… no. I shan’t. I will go back to asking him for… dinner.” She winked at her cousin.   
“Fuck off.” Scorpius growled. “And don’t feel special because he didn’t deign to reply—he probably does that all the time.”   
“What do you mean?” Delphi prodded gently.   
“He will outlive God trying to have the last word, cast snide remarks at Death until Judgement Day, argue with everyone he loves and everyone he despises.  Simply put, I don’t believe you when you say he doesn’t reply.”

Delphi laughed. “Ooh, _someone_ feels threatened. I don’t even need to wind you up anymore, you do it all yourself. You and your jealousy…”   
“I’m not jealous!” Scorpius snarled.   
Delphi laughed. “You _are_. Oh my, it’s worse than when Aunt Narcissa said it was a shame you weren’t a girl, or Uncle Lucius called you a weak nuisance—unlike your brother. It’s worse than Cousin Draco admitting to his wife that you were just too different, and he preferred you’d be like the other children, do you remember when we listened to that?”

“You made me listen.” Scorpius growled.   
“And you got so jealous of your siblings.” Delphi giggled. “And you’re even worse now.”   
“I’m leaving, Delphini.” Scorpius said. “I’m tired of playing this game with you. Leave me alone for the rest of my life, please.”   
Delphini rolled her eyes. “You may think you’re no fun anymore, but the game’s just getting started. Here, I texted him.”

“You gave him a fake, then?” Scorpius asked.   
“…alright, yes.”   
“So you can fuck off then!” Scorpius threw his hands in the air. “You don’t _need_ us!”   
The text was delivered before Delphi could reply. “ _Oh, you touch my tra la la_.”

“What the fuck?” Delphini growled. “Show yourself.”   
“I’m done with this.” Scorpius sighed. “Talk to her yourself if you want, I still need to _get to work_. Not that anyone cares about _my_ life, oh no.” He threw his hands in the air and walked away as Albus emerged.   
“He’s a bit dramatic.” Delphi simpered.

“You have a talent for pushing his buttons.” Albus replied coolly.   
Delphi grabbed his wrist. “Stay. We should… talk.”   
Albus looked at her she slowly let her hand drop. Alright, he could stay for a bit if needed.

When he got back to Baker Street sometime later, he noticed that the door was ajar. That set off warning bells alone. He continued inside—a bucket of cleaning supplies had been overturned, there were nail marks in the wall and there were footprints leading up to 221B. Mrs. Figg had apparently been taken captive.

Sure enough, Mrs. Figg was seated at the dining room table with one of the CIA operatives holding a gun to her head.   
“Albus, he’s been incredibly rude! If he wanted to take me captive, he could have just asked, he didn’t need to drag me about like a sack of potatoes!” Mrs. Figg huffed.   
“Ma’am, I _said_ I was sorry.” The CIA operative sighed. “We’ve been sitting here for hours. Surely, you can’t…”

“My _name_ is Arabella Figg, but you can call me _Mrs._ Figg. I am not _Shirley_ , and I _certainly_ can still be mad at you.” Mrs. Figg sniffed.   
“Do you really have nothing better to do than to terrorize my landlady for several hours?” Albus asked incredulously. “Where are your friends—did they get the _good_ jobs?”   
“Mr. Potter, we’ve been sent to—”   
“Stop, put away the gun. You’re not impressing anyone, not even Mrs. Figg. It’s just distracting, and I don’t trust you with it.”

The operative complied. “Mr. Potter, we know that you received something from Ms. Lestrange. We need it.”   
Albus threw his hands in the air. “Good God, it’s been quite some time. I would have thought that you would have come blazing in during Christmas, grabbed it, and left.”   
“It was _Christmas_.” The operative sniffed.   
“You’re an inefficient idiot.” Albus rolled his eyes. “Why not ask for it, anyway?”

“I have been asking your landlady—sorry, I have been asking Mrs. Figg. She doesn’t know anything.”   
Albus pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can only assume you’ve been sent here while your brethren were busy doing more important things. No, my landlady doesn’t know where I keep my things, because I have an incredibly complex organizational system. Why not just kidnap my boyfriend? It’s easy, he was kidnapped just hours ago using a vagabond who pushed him into a car.”

“You don’t have an organizational system, you have a mess.” Mrs. Figg huffed, crossing her arms. “I don’t know how Scorpius deals with it.”   
“It’s incredibly complex.” Albus insisted. “You just haven’t bothered to find it out. As for _you_ , it’s a fake, you numpty. She keeps texting me from what must be her real phone. You can have it if you want.”   
“How do I know you’re not lying?” The operative demanded.

Albus rolled his eyes. “What reason would I possibly have to lie to an idiot who broke into my home, assaulted my landlady, and is trying to steal… I see it now. Yep. I’m not lying, I wouldn’t waste that on you. It’s useless to me, unless I’m trying to get the passcode… alright, no, you can’t have the garbage. It’s my garbage.”   
“Sir, it’s of the utmost interest to the United States government.” The operative insisted.   
Albus sighed. “I’m sure we’d all _love_ to look at Kate Middleton tied to a bed, or whatever those pictures were. But it surely can’t be _that_ interesting.”

“It’s not that, and you know it.” The operative lost his patience. “She’s so worried about keeping track of it… don’t you have any guesses?”   
“I don’t _guess_ , I _hypothesize_.” Albus said, offended. Mrs. Figg took this as her cue to try to stab him in the stomach with her cane. Sadly, it didn’t puncture, but she did send him sprawling. As he struggled to regain his balance, Albus helpfully stuck out a foot. The unfortunate operative went flying out the window. He landed right on the bins.

“Mrs. Figg, there’s been a window broken again.” Albus helpfully pointed out. “Could you send the repairman ‘round, please?”   
“Of course. Do you want some tea?” Mrs. Figg asked.   
“Let me do it. You’ve had an Ordeal.” Albus said quickly.

“He didn’t rough me up _that_ much…” Mrs. Figg demurred. “My ex-husband was still far worse. Still, what a rude young man. I’m glad that he’s gone.”   
Albus peered out the window as he heard the CIA operative groan. “Should we phone 999?”   
“Mmm… I suppose.” Mrs. Figg glared at the man. “He’s made _such_ a mess of my bins… and he gave me a black eye, can you believe him? What will the women at my bridge group say?”

“It truly is a tragedy.” Albus nodded slowly. “I must call Scotland Yard and tell them we’ve had a break in, and then I’ll make your tea.”   
“Good plan. I’m going back to my nice clean flat—tell me, did the nasty American ruin my nice, clean floors?”   
“He did.” Albus nodded sagely.

Mrs. Figg hobbled over to the window and spat on the CIA operative. Albus told himself to never ruin her nice clean floors, and pulled out his phone. “Diggory? We’ve had a break in. Please send your least annoying idiots to 221B to take my landlady’s statement, and an ambulance. …no, she’s just a bit shaken. The ambulance is for the American. …the American who broke in, pay attention! Yes, he appears to have fallen out of a window, poor thing… right on the bins, yes.”

By the time Scorpius got back, Diggory was taking Albus’ statement himself. Apparently the stretcher the American was on kept breaking down as they tried to put him in the ambulance. Albus watched each jerk and shudder of the equipment with interest, then watched them try to use another stretcher. It didn’t work, and the American groaned _rather_ a lot.

“So, how many times did he fall out the window?” Diggory asked.   
“Oh, just the once.” Albus held his hands behind his back. “What, do you think I hauled him back up the stairs multiple times to throw him out again…? Mmm… thank you for the idea.”   
“No, no thank you.” Diggory said. “No thanking me for the idea of torturing intruders, that’s not what we do.”   
“Imagine if it was Cho, or Dak Cheon, whatever she goes by now. How many times would the American have gone out the window, hmm?”

Diggory narrowed his eyes at the CIA operative, who suddenly felt as though the Reaper himself was standing over him. “I’d leave him to Fan Guk.” Diggory finally said. “After… three falls from the window. He was somehow able to come back in and keep fighting, after all.”   
“Yes, exactly. It’s on him.” Albus nodded firmly.

Scorpius made his way over. “What’s going on?”   
“We had a break in, the paramedics didn’t treat Mrs. Figg yet.” Albus said quickly.   
Scorpius squinted at the stretcher that the paramedics just _couldn_ _’_ _t_ load up for whatever reason. “…isn’t that the man who held a gun to my head?”   
“What.” Diggory said flatly, looking at Albus.

“This is a very dangerous criminal indeed.” Albus mused.   
“He’s a CIA operative.” Scorpius said to Diggory.   
“You’d think he’d be more careful around windows.” Albus clicked his tongue. “Ah well, you live and you learn.”   
“You’re enjoying this.” Diggory sighed. “Stop that, it makes you seem suspicious.”   
Albus clutched a hand to his chest. “Me? Suspicious? Detective Inspector Diggory, _really_ now.”

Scorpius made his way over to Mrs. Figg. “Would you like to sleep on our sofa tonight? I understand that you must be so scared—”   
“I’ve eaten Petunia Dursley’s cooking. That man doesn’t scare me.” Mrs. Figg said stiffly, before pulling a phone out of her top. “I wish I’d know that this nonsense was fake, I wouldn’t have bothered protecting it.”

“Thank you for doing so.” Scorpius gently took it. “How’d you…?”   
“I picked it up while he thought I was crying, Albus left it on the windowsill. Idiots, both him and the American.”   
“But Albus is such a hot idiot. And he’s a clever clogs, he’s not stupid.”  
Mrs. Figg sighed. “I know he can be a bit much. He does care about you, I promise. He’d rather let England fall than see you hurt.”   
Scorpius smiled. “Thank you, I think I needed that.”

Mrs. Figg patted his shoulder. “You’re such a nice young man. Thank you for keeping him on track.”   
Scorpius thought about Delphi. Hopefully she would actually do as he asked and leave them be. …she probably wouldn’t. _Fuck_.

Sure enough, Delphi turned up a few days later while Scorpius and Albus were on a case. They came back to find her drying her hair in the living room, wearing Albus’ dressing gown.   
“Hello cousin.” She said simply. “Hope you don’t mind.”   
Scorpius eyed the trail of water. “Not as long as you intend to clean up after yourself.”   
Delphi pouted. “After the _ordeal_ I’ve had?”

“I’m calling Orpheus. James started this, he can deal with her.” Scorpius muttered.   
“Who’s after you?” Albus asked, ignoring Scorpius.   
Delphi batted her eyes. “Why do you assume someone’s after me?”   
“Orpheus has better security.” Scorpius hissed. “Go bother him with your story of being chased around, or whatever.”   
“It’s not a _story_.” Delphi snapped.

“Then stop playing coy, or I’ll toss you out like the American who came here looking for you. _Clearly_ this isn’t safe for you.” Scorpius snapped.   
Delphi looked away. “Killers are after me. I can’t say more than that. Faking my own death would have worked if you weren’t so set on proving that I was alive.”   
“You were sloppy.” Scorpius huffed. “Couldn’t even get yourself some baclofen and do it yourself?”

Delphi gave him the middle finger before turning to Albus. “I need my phone back.”   
“You have your phone. You very clearly have your phone—you have a personalized text alert.” Scorpius pointed out.   
“I switched the memory card.” Delphi snarled.   
“I don’t believe that for a _second_. Go sell your sob story to Orpheus!” Scorpius pointed to the door.

Delphi turned to Albus with wide eyes. “Please, don’t let him throw me out! I have nowhere to go.”   
“Don’t mind him, I don’t know why he’s being so ornery.” Albus patted her shoulder gently, and Delphi gave him a soft smile.   
Scorpius made a choking noise. “She… Albus, she has _multiple_ places to go. Including less obvious ones like Great-Uncle Sirius!”   
“Like he’d take me. And Orpheus is too obvious.” Delphi sniffed.

“And we’re not?” Scorpius demanded. “Orpheus’ home wasn’t broken into by the fucking CIA, Delphini Riddle Lestrange!”   
She sighed. “Do you _see_ the way he speaks to me? I come here to be welcomed into the bosom of my family, and yet…” She shrugged.   
“So what exactly are you here for?” Albus asked.

Delphini leaned towards him. “Protection. I used to have my information, but now it’s turned into my death sentence. Isn’t that sad?”   
“And how did you get this information?” Albus prompted.   
“I misbehaved.” Delphini fluttered her eyelashes, before licking her lips. “I’ve missed the opportunity do so while on the run… tragic, really.”

Scorpius rolled his eyes. Albus handed her back the fake phone, which she pocketed. Apparently she was not going to give them the passcode any time soon, no matter what Albus’ plan had been.   
Somehow he didn’t seem that bothered.

Delphini pulled out her real phone, having typed the passcode in while it was in her pocket. “I had some fun with a Ministry of Defense official…”   
“Umbridge?” Scorpius interrupted.   
Delphi blinked at him. “Who?”   
Albus waved her off. “Never mind. The point is…?”

Delphi sighed. “He said this email was going to save people’s lives… he didn’t know that I photographed it… he was such a good pet…” She giggled, glancing at Albus.   
“I’m leaving…” Scorpius sighed.   
Albus didn’t want Scorpius to _leave_ , not ever, especially not when he didn’t need to. Didn’t Scorpius want to see him be clever?   
Albus took the phone from her, and read the line of code. A few seconds later he said, “It’s passenger allocations on a jet from Heathrow to Baltimore in a week at 6:30pm. It’s not code. No ‘I’, too easy to mistake for a ‘1’, no ‘K’, this determines the width of the jet. They’re not in sequence because people are sitting together; families, couples, strangers even. It leaves tomorrow because the crisis you’ve been having is reaching a breaking point, certain styles and British point of origin only mean certain things, case in point; one flight fits the criteria. …does that make sense? I don’t care. I know I’m right.”  

He stood, and fixed Scorpius with a somewhat expectant look.   
Scorpius tied his scarf. “Albus, you know I think you’re brilliant. Do you want me to keep saying it?”   
_Yes_. Because no one ever thought he _was_ brilliant, they thought it was freakish. Albus didn’t say it like that, though.   
Delphi rose, and draped herself over Albus. “I thought that was marvelous.” She cooed, tracing a circle on Albus’ chest despite being behind him.

Scorpius narrowed his eyes. “I need to clear my head.”   
Delphi waved goodbye at him. “Who needs him? You have _me_.”   
“Hopefully not for the same things.” Albus remarked dryly.   
Delphi giggled. “Well, no. We have… different equipment. Speaking of which, I need to use your bathroom.”

She disappeared upstairs, only to pull out her phone and text someone the details of the code breaking.   
Across town, Holly’s phone buzzed. Rose, who was closer, picked it up. “Hon, someone texted you something about a flight? …must be one of those solicitors Albus is always on about.”   
Holly waved her over. “It’s not important… let’s watch the film. Here, get under the blanket.” She moved over on the couch, and Rose sat next to her with the bowl of popcorn. Holly spread the blanket over her girlfriend’s legs, and ignored Delphini’s text.

Ivy did not. She giggled for a minute in the dimly lit warehouse she was currently in.   
“Is it good news…?” The guard muttered, glancing at their captive.   
“For me, not for you.” Ivy said, sending off another text. Then she shot her guard, before yanking her captive’s head up. “So, ready to tell me what I want?”

“Fuck you.” The captive spat, splattering blood across Ivy’s face. She didn’t seem to mind.   
In fact, she grinned grotesquely. “Oh, I was _hoping_ you’d say that. I have even more toys for us to play with!”   
The man screamed.

Back at 221B, Delphi flopped down into Scorpius’ armchair.   
“Coventry.” Albus said suddenly.   
“I’m sorry?” Delphi asked.   
“The Coventry Gambit, where the Allies knew in WWII that the Germans were going to bomb Coventry. They’d broken the code, but they couldn’t let the Germans know that. So they let it happen anyway.” Albus explained. He glanced at her, before saying, “Probably not true.”

“Mm, sacrifices had to be made in war.” Delphi came up behind him, massaging his shoulders. “Sacrifices always have to be made. …do you want dinner?”

“What for? I’m not hungry.”   
“Is that what you say to my cousin?” Delphi pouted.   
Albus rolled his eyes. “Scorpius always _makes_ me eat. Says I need to, even if I’m not hungry.”   
“Sound advice.” Delphi breathed in his ear. “I’m not necessarily hungry for food right now either…”

“What are you hungry for?” Albus turned to her.   
Delphi gently pressed her lips against his, before deepening it.   
Albus suddenly pulled back. “Scorpius can never know about this.”   
“Oh, so there is a _this_?” Delphi laughed.

“No. I mean, yes, I mean, _no_.” Albus stepped back from Delphi.  
“You sound very unsure.” A voice called from the doorway.   
Albus  turned sharply to see Scorpius leaning against the doorframe.

“Scorpius, I didn’t…” Albus trailed off.   
Scorpius didn’t seem angry, he just seemed tired. He looked at Delphi. “Really? You weren’t satisfied with murdering my cat?”   
“Shame to keep him all to yourself.” She purred.

Scorpius shook his head. “Albus, perhaps it’s best if we take a break for now.”   
Albus’ world crumbled into dust. “Wh-what…?”   
Scorpius bit his lip as though he was trying not to get too emotional. “It’s been… it’s been building up for a while.”   
“Scorpius, I can change!”

“You just kissed my cousin, and your immediate response was, ‘Scorpius can never know about this’!” Scorpius suddenly growled, tears beginning to spill over. He marched upstairs and returned in a few minutes with a hastily packed bag.   
“She can have everything; the mysteries, my bed, _whatever_.” Scorpius hissed.   
“Scorpius, stop!” Albus begged. “I can explain!”

Delphi waved from her perch on Scorpius’ armchair.   
Scorpius raised two choice fingers, and left.   
“Where are you going?” Albus heard Mrs. Figg ask.   
“Out.” Scorpius said shortly. There was the click of the front door, then nothing.

 _Nothing_. Delphi wisely stayed out of his way for the next few hours, before saying, “Don’t worry. You have _me_ now.”   
Albus kicked her out of the flat.   
The next morning, he put out all of his feelers for Scorpius, which unfortunately included James. Which meant Orpheus knew.

And since he asked Pryansh, everyone in London knew. Most people took Albus’ side without really knowing what happened. It made Albus want to scream. He didn’t deserve _better_ , he’d had the best!   
“Mr. Potter, can you comment please about your breakup with Dr. Malfoy?” A reporter jogged alongside him. “Did he break your heart? Should such a callous man be allowed to work with children?”   
“I kissed his cousin!” Albus snapped.

The reporter stopped jogging abruptly, then turned to her compatriots. “Did any of you…?”   
Several of them nodded, then they all fled back to their holes to write the story.

Albus proceeded to St. Bart’s. Rose nodded sympathetically at him. “Can I get you anything?”   
“Scorpius would be nice.” Albus huffed.   
“Him? You deserve better.” Rose rolled her eyes.   
Albus turned to her. “I’m tired of hearing that. _Why_ do I deserve better? What’s wrong with him?”

“He broke up with you.”   
“He had a good reason.” Albus continued. “What’s so good about me that means he’s in the wrong? Why do you all just assume he _left_ for no good reason?!”   
Rose’s gaze hardened. “What did you do?”   
“It should be in the newspapers tomorrow.” Albus waved her off.

Rose pulled out her phone, and looked something up. “He’s updated his blog.”   
Albus hurriedly pulled out his own phone. Scorpius had written,

‘ _Hello everyone_ _—_

_Unfortunately, I will not be working with Albus Severus Potter anymore. Neither party is really at fault, we simply no longer click. I hope that in the future we can remain friends, and I wish all the best to him (and his new companion, Delphini R. Lestrange)._

_This means that this blog will no longer compile exploits of Albus_ _’_ _adventures. Below, there is the link to his blog, but please expect all future posts to strictly be relegated to my therapy._

_Thank you for your time and patience. I_ _’_ _m sorry that it had to end this way._

  * _H. Malfoy_ _’_



“…who’s Delphini?” Rose asked when Albus finished reading.   
“Did Scorpius check into work today?” Albus asked quietly.   
“How should I know?” Rose demanded.   
“You’re dating a Human Resources person! That’s the only reason I haven’t made a comment about her being a mass murderer!” Albus hissed.   
“And the fact that you didn’t call it out when I _asked_ , so now I don’t fucking believe you?” Rose raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I thought so.” She pulled out her phone again, and texted Pryansh.

Albus rolled his eyes. Clearly he wouldn’t get any work done here. He left for Baker Street. Diggory was being annoying, saying that he should take some time off to process this, so he didn’t have _anything_ to do.   
He stopped his pity party upon seeing someone with blonde hair in Scorpius’ chair.

For a second, his breath caught in his throat—before he realized that the hair was too long and dark. “I thought I… Holly?” He rounded the chair to sit in his own.   
The woman giggled. “Do you _really_ still confuse me for my twin? No. She wouldn’t let me kill Malfoy, so I got rid of him.”

Albus’ mouth felt dry. “You… got… rid…?”   
“Oh, don’t look like that. He’s _fine_. He’s chatting with Holly at St. Bart’s right now.” Ivy giggled. “And Delphini Lestrange is in a limousine to Wiltshire. It works out well for _everyone_.”   
“You… what did you do to her?” Albus demanded.   
Ivy rolled her eyes. “Mm, like you care. You shouldn’t. She was just here to get Malfoy out of Baker Street. She never cared about you. She took the job for free just to fuck with him.”

“You’re lying!” Albus snapped.   
Ivy held out her phone. “Go on. Ask her. She didn’t do it for you. She didn’t think you were brilliant—not like _I_ do. And Malfoy could never ever understand how special you are. Not like _I_ can.”

“And Delphini could?” Albus asked sarcastically.   
Ivy huffed. “No, but at least she had the decency not to pretend. …well, I mean, she _did_ , but still. She didn’t fool _herself_. Anyway, enough about that family. When can I move in upstairs?”   
“What.” Albus said flatly.   
Ivy sighed in impatience. “Upstairs. I want to be close to you, and I want the flat now that Malfoy’s gone. I’ll be good, I won’t torment the little old woman downstairs.”

“What.” Albus repeated.   
Ivy stamped her foot. “I’m being good for you right now! Agree, before I get… _unpleasant_.”   
“Fuck off.” Albus said lightly, grabbing his coat.   
“Excuse me?” Ivy asked, the calmest he’d ever seen her.   
He turned to face her. “Fuck. Off. Get out of my flat. I’m going to go get my boyfriend and bring him home—by the time I get back, you had better be gone.”

“Or what?” Ivy sneered.   
“Or I win.” Albus said simply, before leaving. He remembered a small tidbit from Scorpius yelling at Delphi—‘Great-Uncle Sirius’. He couldn’t possibly mean…? He could, though. Or at least, he and Remus would have good advice for him.

Unfortunately, he got there at roughly the same time as Orpheus, who he had been avoiding. And there was no James around. Oh no.   
“You!” Orpheus hissed, pulling rather strenuously on the doorbell. “What are _you_ doing here?”   
“I’m here to see Uncle Sirius.” Albus replied. “And you’re going to break that.”

“You have _no right_ —I’m sorry, _Uncle Sirius_? Are you related to him…?” Orpheus looked rather green all of a sudden.   
Albus felt like telling him yes, but opted to be _mature and reasonable_ so maybe he’d get the hint. “He’s my father’s godfather.”   
“ _Thank God_ , I haven’t committed incest…” Orpheus breathed as a rather disheveled looking man opened the door.

“Albus!” He exclaimed happily, before casting a dirty look at Orpheus. “Narcissa’s grandson.”   
“Uncle Sirius, hello.” Albus said, waving slightly as Sirius was joined by Cass. “Hey, Cass.”   
“Hey. Told him about your boyfriend just breaking up with you out of nowhere. Can’t trust a toff like that.” Cass said nonchalantly.   
Albus suddenly felt Orpheus’ glare at him intensify with the force of a thousand suns. “Oh, is _that_ the story that’s making the rounds?”

“It’s not…” Albus began, before Sirius cut him off. “What business is it of _yours_ , Malfoy? Why are you even here?”   
“I’m looking for my brother.” Orpheus said tensely.

Cass snorted. “Like we’d let him stay _here_ after what he did. He knows it too—he ran off upon seeing me.”   
“You know, I really think we should hear Scorpius’ side of the story…” Albus said.   
“Right. Oh, you know what! I brought the recording with me!” Orpheus said, scowling at Albus. He took out his phone and played a recording. “You just kissed my cousin, and your immediate response was, ‘Scorpius can never know about this’!” Scorpius suddenly growled.

Albus winced.   
Orpheus put his phone away. “For the record, the cousin in question was Delphini Lestrange.”   
Sirius looked appalled. “Bellatrix’s daughter?”   
“The very same.” Orpheus agreed.   
Sirius looked at Albus with such an expression of betrayal. “You willingly touched her? Crazy is hereditary!”

“Who’s Bellatrix?” Cass asked loudly.   
“Your biological great-grandmother’s older sister.” Sirius sighed.   
Orpheus looked interested. “Who is this girl?”   
“Cassandra Lupin, et tu est un cul magnifique.”   
“Je parlais francais aussi.” Orpheus said tersely.

Cass gave a wolfish grin. “Good.”   
Orpheus sighed. “And I’m your family. You’re… Nymphadora’s granddaughter?”   
“She agreed to carry the baby for me and Remus so it’d be related to me too.” Sirius huffed.   
Orpheus smiled. “Well then, Cassandra. We’re family. As such, I’d be willing to help you… I think I recognize your voice from the bug I put in Scorpius’ phone. You’re an artist, aren’t you? I could get you into any art school in the world. Your work will hang in the most prestigious galleries.”

“I’m not interested in classical stuff.” Cass rolled her eyes, pulling out her own phone and scrolling through some of her street art. Albus swore he saw a pig wearing a mask of Orpheus’ face while the body bled heavily nearby in one of them. Apparently, she had been watching the news, and was not a fan of him. Whatever he did. Albus didn’t really care.

“Modern art is always appreciated. This offer is free, as long as you tell me if my brother mentioned going anywhere when he took off.”   
Everyone gave Orpheus the side-eye.   
“Why should I?” Cass asked. “What do you want with him?”

“Cass, we don’t negotiate with _them_!” Sirius gestured to Orpheus. “His grandfather was a Death Eater!”   
“We are not our grandparents.” Orpheus ground out, before handing Cass a card. “And I’m just trying to bring my brother home. Family is incredibly important to me, and I’m glad to have met another member.”   
Cass examined the card, before turning to Albus. “He said something about going to Penny’s.”

“I checked there!” Albus and Orpheus exclaimed.   
Cass pocketed the card and shrugged. “That’s what I heard.”   
“She _lied_ to me…” Orpheus looked crestfallen.

“I don’t lie. We have a deal.” Cass looked incredibly irate.   
“No, not you… Penelope. She has betrayed me…” Orpheus sighed dramatically.   
“Yeah, she told me he wasn’t there either.” Albus huffed.   
Orpheus whipped around to face him. “Oh, I have no doubt that Penelope Nott is rightfully angry at you for having the _gall_ to cheat on my brother and then spread baseless rumors blaming him! If I wasn’t so busy, I’d haul you in for treason!”

“That’s a bit extreme.” Sirius muttered.   
Orpheus ground his teeth. “No, it’s not. It’s just irrelevant right now. Trust me on this, Potter. That wasn’t the only Delphini related mistake you’ve made recently. Have you wondered why James hasn’t gotten involved in this debacle? Because right now he’s been removed from this situation. When I come for you, Scorpius won’t be able to save you. James won’t be able to save you. Harry fucking Potter won’t be able to save you. I don’t even know why I’m giving you a head start right now—but let me tell you this; the Americans won’t let this pass without someone taking the fall. Who better than the man who broke the code?”

“What are you talking about?” Albus demanded.   
Orpheus rolled his eyes, and started walking towards Penelope’s house. “If you’re not clever enough to figure out your enormous fuckery, don’t let me stand in the way of your doom. I have too much to do as it is, especially since I sent James to Devon.” 

Albus made a face, but followed him. He watched as Orpheus got rebuffed by Penelope and had the door slammed in his face, before stomping off. Presumably to do his very important work.   
He didn’t dare approach Penelope’s house alone. Last time he’d tried, in search of Scorpius, she’d nearly whacked him with a frying pan. He was thinking of a plan of action when he noticed someone else stroll up to the house. He was of African descent, though nationality was still unclear (Albus was too far to smell cologne), he had a well made suit, and soft hands. He was holding a bouquet.

He knocked on the door.   
“Piss off, Orpheus!” Penelope called as Albus shifted closer to listen.   
“I’m not Orpheus, cara.” The man called. His accent was hard to pick up, but Albus detected a small lilt. Aha, an Italian. From Florence, if Albus was correct, but mainly educated in England.

Penelope opened the door. “Cesare?”   
The man grinned. “The one and the same. Why don’t we go get some drinks? Hit up the town like we’re used to doing?”   
Penelope’s face became shuttered. “I can’t. I’m far too busy.”   
“Just one night?” ‘Cesare’ tried to wheedle.

“Do you even remember what happened last time?” Penelope demanded.   
Cesare looked surprised. “We… had fun?”   
“Forgive me if I’m not up for the same kind of _fun_.” Penelope hissed.   
Cesare shrugged. “Alright, no drinking.”

“You don’t even know…” Penelope went pale all of a sudden, before growling, “Good! Tell your father I’m not going to be _paid off_!” She slammed the door in his face.   
Cesare banged on the door. “Penelope!”

Albus chose this moment to pop up beside Cesare. On closer inspection, he recognized him from the picture of Scorpius and Penelope as children—he was the third person in the picture.   
“Having some trouble?” Albus asked nonchalantly. Perhaps this man could boost him through a window.

“A bit.” Cesare sighed, before looking at him. “Hey, you’re Albus Potter!”   
Albus immediately became wary. Of course he’d read Scorpius’ blog. He was a fan of Nott.   
“I stopped Penelope from murdering you in university a few times!” Cesare continued.   
“Oh. You.” Albus peered at him. “You cut your hair.” He said accusingly.

Cesare laughed. “I did. Come, let’s drink to old times.”   
“You’re very fond of your drinking, aren’t you.” Albus noted.   
Cesare grinned brightly. “It’s public so people aren’t uncomfortable, and gets them to spill their secrets. Surely you understand it.”   
“Devious. I like it.” Albus agreed. “Let’s do coffee instead, I’m not fully prepared to divulge all my secrets to you.”

Cesare chuckled. “Fair.”   
They stepped inside a coffee shop near Penelope’s house, and both ordered before sitting down near the door.   
“I always thought you should have met our other friend, Scorpius.” Cesare said. “But when I stopped through to get Penelope for weekends off, he was usually the next stop, or on a train… shame really.”   
Albus nodded. “Shame.”

Cesare brightened. “But do you remember that time Penelope was chasing you with a really thick textbook and I was on the phone?”   
“I’d called her out for putting on lipstick.” Albus agreed. “She only does that for special occasions, especially to impress people.”   
Cesare nodded. “Exactly. Well, in terms of the incident. I happen to think Penelope looks lovely with lipstick on.” He sighed dreamily, and Albus raised an eyebrow. This was clearly Telemachus’ father, and a mutual crush that’d been festering for years.

“Anyway, I held my phone out so that Scorpius could hear what was happening, and you ran by, and said—”   
“That his friends were crazy, but he sounded sensible.” Albus said quietly. “And that was one of the highest compliments I could give.”   
Cesare grinned. “You remember!”  
Albus grimaced. “How could I not? …the truth is, my boyfriend is…staying with Nott. They’re old friends and… well, I need to talk to him. So if you help me, I’ll tell you why Nott is acting so weird.”

Cesare raised an eyebrow. “Staying with her? What’s he like—is he handsome?”   
“He’s gay.” Albus said dryly.   
Cesare grinned. “Alright. I didn’t want to assume. …I know all of Penelope’s ‘old friends’ though. Are you saying…?”   
“I messed up with Scorpius.” Albus sighed.   
“…so he _is_ handsome.” Cesare said. “Anyway, I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“Delphini kissed me.” Albus shrugged. “And things were said.”   
Cesare looked as though he would have spat out his drink had he had one. At that moment, the waitress walked by and handed them their drinks.   
“That sounds bad.” Cesare finally said. “But let me ask you something; do you truly care about Scorpius?”

“Of course.” Albus said.   
“Do you care about Delphini?” Cesare asked.   
“No. Not particularly.”   
“…do you mean what you said that day, or do you regret the entire incident?”

“Of course I regret it.” Albus snapped.   
Cesare sipped his coffee. “Do you make him happy?”   
Albus fell silent. He remembered Scorpius smiling, laughing, encouraging him, kissing him… but he also remembered how Scorpius would purse his lips, how he seemed incredibly exasperated at times, how he made a point of apologizing for Albus.

“I want to.” Albus said honestly.   
“…then I’ll help you.” Cesare sighed. “Only if you tell me what’s up with Penelope.”   
Scorpius chose that moment to walk in. “Tea please.” He said to the barista.   
Cesare whistled. “Scorpius, over here!”

Scorpius turned with an expectant smile on his face, which dropped when he saw Albus.   
Cesare waved him over, and Scorpius reluctantly followed.   
“Ces, I didn’t know you were in town.” He said diplomatically.   
Cesare grinned. “I came to see Penny, but she’s mad at me… ah well, I got to catch up with Potter.”

“You know each other?” Scorpius asked.   
“He saved my life several times.” Albus said.   
Cesare laughed. “Don’t be so dramatic. So, Scorpius, when did ou get back to London?”   
“A few months ago.” Scorpius said softly. “I’ve been working at St. Bart’s since then.”

“Ah, must feel like home again.” Cesare said jovially.   
Scorpius sipped his tea. “Alright Ces, how much do you know?”   
“What do you mean?” Cesare asked.   
“How much do you know? About Albus and me?” Scorpius demanded.

Cesare smiled, but more wickedly than his previous jolly grin. “Not much. Enough to poison him.”   
Albus peered at his coffee, suddenly very glad that he’d barely touched it.   
“That’s not what I’m asking for.” Scorpius said firmly. “God, between you and Orpheus…”   
Cesare shrugged. “He’s always been protective. I wish Giovanni would be like that sometimes… anyway, you look a bit rough.”

“I ran into Delphini recently, as I’m sure you’re aware.” Scorpius said tensely, shooting Albus a look.   
Albus sighed. He’d never talk to Scorpius alone like this. Time to make good on his promise.   
“Oi, Italian. You want to know why Nott’s pissed? You got her pregnant last time you two had fun, or whatever euphemism you gave her.” Albus sipped his tea. “She’s upset that you didn’t remember at least having sex, probably upset that you didn’t help raise the child in any way.”

Silence fell across the three of them.   
“What?” Cesare asked in a quiet voice.   
“Albus!” Scorpius hissed.   
Cesare got up and ran from the coffee shop, forgetting his flowers.

Scorpius glared at Albus. “That was not your place to say that.”   
“I need to talk to you.” Albus tried not to sound defensive. “I’m sorry, Scorpius. I never intended for things to turn out this way.”   
“I’m sure that you didn’t. But I’m not sure if I can trust you if anyone can turn your head with a few well-placed compliments.” Scorpius said coolly.

“I didn’t say not to tell you to encourage her. It was a knee-jerk reaction that was meant to stop you two from getting into a fight. But you’re right, and that’s fair. I won’t do that ever again, I promise. Not with Delphini or with anyone else. When I heard that she didn’t care, I didn’t even… really _mind_.”   
“Who told you?” Scorpius asked.

“Hmm?”   
“Who told you that Delphini didn’t care?” Scorpius asked.   
“…Ivy Longbottom apparently did this as a plan to get rid of you without pissing of Holly.”   
“Ivy Long—you talked to Ivy Longbottom?! Alone?!” Scorpius nearly yelled.   
Albus shushed him. “Keep your voice down. And yes, she was in the flat. Appeared out of nowhere, really. What was I supposed to do—bring Mrs. Figg into this? That’s not the issue.”

“Alright, what do you think is the issue then?” Scorpius asked.   
“I have been… wrong… in some ways. I should have trusted you about Delphini. I should have treated you better, not taken you for granted. I should have asked for permission before going through your things. Have I missed anything?”   
Scorpius sipped his tea. “No. You haven’t. How do I know that any of that will change?”

“Well, for starters, you need to actually call me out on my shit instead of just pursing your lips and going about your day.” Albus said. “And explain when you have a problem—like just what your problem with Delphini is. Be an adult.”   
Despite himself, Scorpius smiled. “I thought you were asking me to take you back?”   
“I am.” Albus looked contrite. “But… there’s only so much that I can change about myself. I promise to be better.”

“So do I.” Scorpius said softly. “But if Delphini Lestrange is ever invited into our apartment again, I will not be pleased.”   
“Scorpius, no one could ever replace you. Not now, not in the future.” Albus said. “I readily admit how wrong I was to even think that Delphini could try.”   
“…I accept your apology.” Scorpius said.

“I accept yours.” Albus replied smoothly.   
Scorpius smiled gently. “Can I come back to Baker Street?”   
“Of course—I need you to help me chase out Longbottom.” Albus finished his tea.

Scorpius grimaced and drank his own. “I need to pick up my things from Penelope’s house…”

**Author's Note:**

> Orpheus' attitude towards sex is meant to be similar to Draco's in BAON. (My non-Scorbus Harry Potter fanfic that I haven't updated in a while.) Actually, this AU is probably based more off of BAON. 
> 
> Anyway, Albus is sick because he needed a reason to stay home, and Sherlock saying, "We decided I wouldn't leave the house for anything less than a 7."   
> "When did we decide this?"   
> "Last night."   
> "I was in Dublin. Do you just talk to yourself when I'm not there?"   
> "Maybe. Are you often not here?" 
> 
> Yeah. That's not really going to work in this AU. 
> 
> As always, I'm using the transcripts by Ariane de Vere on LiveJournal. Check them out!


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